I remember the first day of my college. I sat in the first row. To my right was the girls row. There was something noteworthy about that sight. They had worn good clothes. I can hear you saying , "big deal!". Yes, it was. Those were the kind of dresses and colors which I had never seen someone wear in all my life. Those clothes fit perfectly, they appeared apt to their physique and I learnt that day, that it's a way in which you can be more presentable. I remember some of the many conversations with the girls. They had a vision of what they are going to do in life. They even had a vision on what I should be doing in future. I nodded to them politely.
I remember my Team Leader in my first job. She was a show-stealer. She was handling the team like a seasoned pro. Team would always second her as if they were obliged. She had absolute command over what she was saying. More so when she was talking to the senior management about her plans. I assumed she must have been used to the system for a few years at least. No, she was hardly a year old in the company. I was awe struck.
Later, in another job, I discovered a strong woman in a leadership position. She was leading a business unit. I hadn't encountered women who occupied such positions. She carried an aura that I had never seen a woman carry. She was the most charismatic woman I had seen, placing her in my mind possibly only after Jayalalitha who I have heard a lot of stories about.
Enough. There ended my course correction, and my prejudice about women was all but over.
To be brutally honest, till I stayed home in my village, I was never serious about women's talents or career, and I hardly believed they could be competent. I always had thought that they could be extremely skilled only in household chores and help their spouses in their businesses if they are shrewd enough. But never in the wildest of imaginations did I think they could create identities of their own. The ten years I stayed away from home taught me great lessons. I gradually learnt what it truly means to think beyond gender boundaries. I began to let go of preconceptions and prejudice.
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There was the time when I met this father of a school girl in my village. She had topped her Class 12 exams. The father said he was proud of her and was going to admit her in a college. I started recommending courses I knew and listed the colleges that were offering them and the prospects. He seemed disinterested. He told me that he had already got admission for his daughter in the college nearby. He said, girls should remain in our ‘eyesight’ so that they are ‘safe’. The ‘safety’ he was referring to is, the girls getting into love marriages and even eloping with their loved ones. Here comes our casteism. What if the girl falls in love with someone not from our caste? It would get even worse. Thus, they justify their ‘safe’ game. I was shell-shocked.
More than a year of staying in my village (due to covid reasons), I realised that this is what is happening in most of the families that has daughters. You cannot even call ours a village, it's rather densely populated akin to a suburb and most of the parents have at least finished school education. Unlike many other Indian places where girls don’t get to complete even school education, Tamilnadu has come a long way in giving them the school education at the minimum. And in places like mine, they are mostly sent to under graduation, but the progress has only been by that much – for the sake of doing a graduation, so that they will find better grooms. You can counter me by saying it is a progression, it indeed is. But what is the purpose? You will let them grow only to the point what you think is good for them and never let them exercise their full strength. It is like saying I will let you grow your wings, but you can’t fly. I call it a new age oppression.
The other extreme is when even those girls who studied in nearby colleges find a job after their graduation, they would not be sent to work to other cities until they get married. Again, for all the same reasons. So eventually you are shutting down every possible option for them. (Do account the young moms that quit their jobs because family wants them to prioritize baby over their profession).
While I am in great admiration for the girls that have gone beyond all these hurdles (there aren’t many to recall) I am deeply saddened by the current state. When I came out of school this was the case way back in 2004. But the fact that it remains the same in 2021 is a pure shame.
I can recall few instances which I think are the reasons possibly how it all went wrong. I would be of remiss if I don’t call that out. In a generation of reformation, When girls started going out to study, there were this increasing cases of girls choosing their life partners right at the college. Some eloped to continue their marriage life without even informing families. It would honestly be shocking to any parent to see their daughters end up with jobless, degree-less guys or sometimes even those that already has mediocre careers. Well, let me make the point clear. Caste is none of my concern, but the credentials of their choices. It would have been far smoother, if they took time to time to complete their degree, settle in on a career and make a well thought decision of who would be their partner or how they want to go about their respective careers. Girls should have started to realize or should be taught to get their priorities straight. If you choose love or marriage over career, it is like letting someone else be in control of your life all the way. The mistakes by ‘some’ ends up creating adverse effects on the families and around and thus the society. Thoughts extend to the boys as well. If you truly love a girl, you will not rush her into marriage and ruin her life, instead you will be a support and help her in all her endeavors.
Well, let’s be honest. Parents are casteists and they will remain so for another couple of generations at the minimum. But they may compromise if their daughters shape up great careers. If the next-door girl goes onto achieve greater heights that would inspire them hugely to send their daughters out. This indeed is a butterfly effect. I am a true believer that Empowerment should start from within. Be a catalyst of the change than falling prey to circumstances. As I have experienced with many wonderful women in my life, you should be calling the shots of your life. If you start doing it, you will start to see a life unfold beyond unimagined boundaries.
I would request the parents as well. Your imprudence will cost your daughters their life. They will never be able to live a life true to their potential. Marrying someone and bearing children and raising them up all life should never be the life objective. There should be an identity beyond that. If not parents, the “Educated” brothers of the girls should help in supporting their sisters. Guys, you know, you could be their only hopes.
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A frequent sight I come across is of my immediate senior akka, washing and drying clothes in my next street. She was touted to be the smartest kid of those years in my primary school. In a parallel world, she would be driving a car to the busiest of offices in bay area. I hope fortunes change for my cousins and nieces to scale greater heights and to see a world their seniors were not privileged to.
